A Healthy Approach to Divorce

When ex-spouses cooperate, the whole family benefits

What Everyone Is Going Through

A good divorce? You must be kidding!” To someone going through a painful breakup, that would be the typical reaction. But the concept of the “good divorce” is gaining attention these days, and courts are even taking steps to help make it a reality.

In some cases, divorce is bound to be difficult—for example, when adultery or alcoholism is involved. And virtually every divorcing couple has to cope with some degree of anger and grief, says behavioral health therapist Pat Gordy of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network.

But lately, she’s seen a shift away from the traditional win-lose scenario and toward more cooperation. “People are recognizing what a financial and emotional disaster a prolonged legal battle can be,” she says. “It’s never win-lose,” says mediator (and attorney) Deb Gaber of Allentown. “It’s lose-lose.”

Gaber is one of a growing number of professional mediators trained to help divorcing couples work together on custody and other issues. “In mediation, the couple, not a third party, makes the decisions,” she says. You still need a lawyer for the paper-work, but many jurisdictions—including Lehigh County—find mediation so valuable they now require it in custody cases.

However it’s achieved, a good divorce tends to have these characteristics:

Both parties are thoroughly informed. “Information is power,” Gaber says. “Both of you should know the legal landscape and the specifics you’re dealing with such as pensions, assets and tax implications.”

The parties communicate. “Create a setting where you can be heard and exchange your values,” Gaber says. Often, that’s a counselor’s and/or mediator’s office. To show what a difference communication makes, Gaber cites the case of a man who resisted sharing financial statements with his wife. She was angry until he revealed he’d been demoted and was ashamed of his reduced paycheck. “Everything shifted,” she says, and the couple divided their assets compassionately.

The children’s needs are front-and-center. “Studies show that in the first year or so, divorced parents tend to be overwhelmed with anger and stress,” Gordy says. “They need to be able to move from their own hurt to tending their kids.”

The parents commit themselves to co-parenting. This means clear roles, consistent discipline, open communication, fostering each child’s individuality, and advance planning for holidays and celebrations, Gordy says. “It’s also vital that children have open access to both parents. E-mail and cell phones really can help.”

The parties reach a fair financial settlement. “When assets are divided, too often women come up short,” Gordy says. It hurts the children as well as the mother. Gaber urges spouses who “just want to get out” to take time to explore long-term financial issues, to ensure that both parties’ interests and needs are met.

The family has outside support. “The more contact you have with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, the better you’ll do as a two-household family,” Gordy says. There are many other resources to help through the divorce itself, including workshops and support groups.

With one-half of all first marriages now ending in divorce, the “good divorce” concept has the potential of helping many thousands of people. “Done right,” Gaber says, “divorce can be a time to turn conflict into opportunity—the opportunity to learn more about yourself, what went wrong and where you want to go in the next phase of your life.”

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